Cerebrate Good Times

Shall I Return?

2011-04-12T06:35:00.002-06:00

While I enjoy the features of WordPress, sometimes I think about coming back to Blogger. Does anyone out there have an opinion on that?

Test

2010-09-08T07:57:00.001-06:00

Test

The End

2010-08-09T14:55:00.004-06:00

Well, my friends, it's time to close up shop. Our time together here at Blogger is drawing to a close.

...but that's only because I'm moving to a brand-new, shiny, full-fledged website! Sorry if you thought last week's post was referring to anything personal like having another baby or moving or something like that. Rumors of anything interesting happening to me are greatly exaggerated.

Anyway, the new site is joelhiller.net. Here's a direct link to the blog. Right now I've just got basic functionality going, but it has imported all my posts and your insightful comments (and the rest; let's face it, the insight filter is curiously lacking). I'll be adding a lot more content in the near future, particularly related to my professional experience. Let me know of anything that doesn't work. Right now it might be a pain to leave comments; I'll probably change that in the near future.

See you there (or else)!

Thirty Thoughts

2010-08-06T08:00:00.001-06:00

1. Is that more hair in the shower drain every morning?

2. What's the big deal? It's just a number with a zero at the end. Why should we consider that significant?

3. Am I still allowed to wear shorts?

4. I need to buy a house within the next five years or we won't have it paid off by retirement age. Then again, my generation won't be able to retire until age 80, so I shouldn't worry.

5. I really should be eating more green, leafy vegetables. If I leave potatoes in the fridge long enough, will that count?

6. Going back to school is getting less and less likely. Then again, sending kids to school will be enough trauma.

7. At least I no longer look like I'm 12, which I did until I was about 23.

8. I will never wear my cell phone on my belt.

9. For some reason, there's a big difference between having a kid and having kids.

10. You kids get off the lawn!

11. I wonder when my memory will start to go.

12. Inside of me beats the heart of an 18-year-old. At least, the doctors claim he was 18 when he had the skateboarding accident...

13. As the years go on, should I feel increasingly ashamed for watching cartoons?

14. I don't feel the urge to buy a Mazda Miata.

15. Cold cereal is still awesome for any meal.

16. At least I can still fit into the suit I bought in high school.

17. It's hard staying up past 11.

18. This actually is pretty much how I pictured my life would be... except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

19. I'm becoming disturbingly comfortable in slacks and a button-up shirt, and wearing t-shirts less.

20. So far I have no intention of getting a minivan. Although they are an efficient way to get the kids around... No! I must resist!

21. I still put olives on my fingers.

22. Sadly, I have come to recognize the wisdom of my parents, and I even ask their advice on occasion.

23. Let's see, what historical events was I alive for? The fall of the Berlin Wall, September 11, and Al Gore being made first emperor of the moon.

24. Fauxhawks? Has it really come to this?

25. Back in my day, we didn't have fancy shoes with wheels that popped out of them.

26. Video games may be more complex now, but the NES ruled. Your girlfriend got kidnapped; what more storyline do you need? Go bust some heads!

27. Whatever happened to Square One? I loved that show.

28. I wonder when my memory will start to go.

29. What's this "information superhighway" I keep hearing about?

30. I'm still younger than most of the people who will read this.

Prevenge

2010-08-05T07:40:00.002-06:00

I have already forgotten much of what Sam was like as a baby, but I really think Allison has a much louder digestive system. Seriously, I can hear when she does her thing several rooms away. It's actually rather impressive.

And if you're wondering about the title of the post, it's because I plan to show this to her friends and dates when she's a teenager.

Big Changes

2010-08-04T07:39:00.002-06:00

Coming soon: Awesomely exciting happenings. Stay tuned.

Well, rather than sit staring at this page for days, I guess you could just check back periodically. Or get smart and subscribe to the feed. Whatever.

Pollywog

2010-07-31T17:32:00.002-06:00

When we were in southern Utah last weekend, I took Sam down to Toquerville park. Quite unexpected for that part of the state, they have a nice little wetland area going on there. Sam and I spent a while chasing lizards and catching frogs and tadpoles.

I've almost lost my tail!

Pro Tip #2

2010-07-29T06:44:00.002-06:00

If you ever travel in time and bring Nikola Tesla* back with you, be careful not to let him see that General Electric products are everywhere (G.E. having been founded in part by Thomas Edison, who was kind of a colossal jerk toward Tesla).

*I dreamed about this last night, including turning it into a Pro Tip post. But it was Edison in my dream, which didn't make too much sense.

Junebug in July

2010-07-24T22:33:00.004-06:00

As with last year, we had a visit from a junebug tonight, apparently wanting to join us as we set off a few fireworks. Even more amazingly, this guy liked to stand erect for some reason.

Polyphylla Erectus?

Look ma, no hands or hands!

One Person Can Make a Difference!

2010-07-24T13:00:00.000-06:00

Sam doesn't eat a great variety of food. One of the few things he will eat, though, is orange creme yogurt. Katie eats them too, so we probably buy 30 to 50 of them a month. And in recent months, I have noticed at the stores we frequent that the space for that particular flavor of yogurt is expanding. In at least one store there is more room for that one than any other flavor.

I Don't Say Evasion, I Say Avoision

2010-07-23T11:51:00.002-06:00

The other day someone at work told me he can't eat any food that is pink, as a result of associating Pepto Bismol with being sick. I've heard from other people that they can't take that medicine anymore because of having it when they were sick as a kid.

Do any of you have an aversion to Pepto? How about other foods?

The Good Old Days

2010-07-22T07:48:00.005-06:00

Last night some of my old high school friends came over for a barbecue. It was really fun to see them again and get updated on their lives, as much as that is possible within a couple hours. And as we sat there chatting, it suddenly struck me: When did we all become responsible adults? Gone are the days of the random road trip and sitting on the porch talking late at night, throwing snails out into the street. (Oh, like you never did that.)

So here's the question: Is is possible to fulfill your adult responsibilities and still have time for spontaneous shenanigans once in a while? How do you plan to be spontaneous?

The Painful Truth

2010-07-18T21:27:00.001-06:00

Admit it, you know this is true.

The Hugging Fern

2010-07-17T09:45:00.000-06:00

Sam is such a boy. I mean, obviously—he's a boy. But it's funny that he's already learning to hide his emotions like a real man.

There's an episode of the cartoon Garfield and Friends, which he likes to watch, that has a meat-eating fern with tentacles that grab people. Somehow we adapted that into a game in which I am the fern trying to grab him, but instead of a man-eating fern I'm a hugging fern. He struggles and struggles, but then he puts his foot back where I can grab it again and reel him in for another hug. Eventually he sort of goes limp and accepts the hugs. This is the sort of instinct that will serve him well later in dating, where he learns the link between emotion and making excuses: "Sorry I stepped on your foot there. Can I take you to dinner to make it up to you?"

Empathy

2010-07-16T07:40:00.003-06:00

Have you ever been yelled at by a customer or client? If not, congratulations—you're probably the jerk doing the yelling. I think there are a few jobs that we should each have to do at some point in our lives in order to be less of a jerk:

Janitor

Server at a restaurant

Customer service by phone

What else?

Unsolved Mysteries

2010-07-13T07:48:00.002-06:00

We each have mysteries in our life that we hope to have solved some day. Some of us wonder how our lives would have been different if a decision had been made differently. But I don't care about that. All I wonder is where my stuff has gone. Several years ago I lost my favorite tie, given to me by a family in Korea. And then later I lost a nice pair of brass chopsticks someone had made for me. These events simply don't make sense; I simply can't imagine what could have happened to them.

What are the mysteries in your life that you hope to solve some day?

Web of Truth

2010-07-09T07:45:00.004-06:00

Every morning when I walk outside I see a few strands of a spider web strung across the porch. And every morning I have no choice but to break it as I go to the car. But despite these daily setbacks, the spider doesn't give up. He rebuilds it every day.

There's a lesson here about perseverance. Specifically, the lesson is that there's a point at which perseverance becomes stupidity. Just build the web somewhere else, you dumb spider.

Pro Tip #1

2010-07-07T14:59:00.001-06:00

Never make punctuality the first item on the agenda for a meeting.

Draft

2010-07-06T07:49:00.003-06:00

I was looking through my blog posts and noticed a lot of drafts that I never finished. Either I ran out of ideas, or I realized they made pretty boring posts. Here's a smattering of my incomplete thoughts:

---------------------------------------------------------

For some reason, I've been thinking lately about how to rate bands. I think the best way to boil it down to a single number is to use the ratio of songs I listen to vs those I habitually skip when they come up in a playlist. I call this the Rockin' Ratio, or RR. For example, my RR for the band Guster is 98%, because of the 61 songs I have of theirs, there's only one that I usually skip. On the other hand

I'm probably the only person in the world who would care about this.

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The hardest things I've ever done:

Toilet training a child
Running ten miles with an injured knee (incidentally, this also ranks high on the list of the dumbest things I've ever done)
Learning Korean

Interesting list, but I never could figure out what else belonged on it. I guess "Finish this list."

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Things that make me smile:

That little squeaking sound newborn babies make
The lady with the limp who still put her cart back in the cart return
Easter candy on clearance

Why did I give up on this one? I suppose it's not a cynical enough post.

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I sometimes see a piece of trash on the street such as a wrapper

Profound, aren't I? I'm sure glad I saved this one.

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I just had an amazing movie title pop into my head. I'm not going to photoshop a poster, though, because the results would be a little too insensitive even for me.

I wish I could remember what this was. It sounds awesome.

---------------------------------------------------------

Timing

2010-07-02T08:15:00.004-06:00

We all know that what is attractive changes. White skin, tan skin, child-bearing hips, skinny hips, and so on. Whatever you look like, there's a fair chance that at some point in history you would have been considered at least somewhat attractive.

As far as my appearance, I suppose skinny pale guys are as popular now as ever, what with all the hipsters running around, and sparkly vampires and whatnot. What about you? When would your golden age be?

Seeing Red

2010-07-02T07:46:00.003-06:00

1. I woke up this morning with a weird red mark on my arm like I was bitten by a spider, or an extremely small and overzealous Twilight fan.

2. I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to getting new bath towels. Katie got us some nice red ones, but even if you wash them several times before use they still leave lint on you for weeks. So I'm probably going to look like I'm constantly shedding chicken pox or something over the next few days.

Ow!

2010-06-30T12:59:00.002-06:00

Do you ever find yourself automatically saying, "Ow!" when you bump into something, even when it doesn't hurt? I've been noticing lately that I do*, and it bugs me.

(something about whales)

*Actually, I've been saying "Owie!" which is even worse.

A Whale of a Meal

2010-06-29T11:26:00.002-06:00

I often drive past a Mexican seafood restaurant, which I suppose is a fun idea. What puzzles me, however, is why they chose to paint a giant whale on the side of the building. Am I the only one who thinks that's not the ideal image of seafood? I'm pretty sure eating whale is illegal in this country.

What do you think of when you think of seafood? Should they have painted a giant crab or lobster on the building?

Equivalents

2010-06-28T10:12:00.003-06:00

Apparently, I need more realistic goals in life. Theoretically, you could eat a whale "one bite at a time," right? Well, it looks like your entire food consumption throughout your life only be (at most) a quarter of a blue whale's mass. You could probably make it through a humpback whale, but it just wouldn't be the same. Go big or go home.

Costcoffensive?

2010-06-24T07:38:00.002-06:00

Sorry for two family-related posts in a row, but I need to record something Sam said last night. We were at Costco and decided to get some ice cream on the way out. With the smell of various foods in the air at the counter, Sam said, "It smells like barbecue in the garbage." Fortunately, I don't think any of the employees heard.

Random Pics

2010-06-19T20:00:00.006-06:00

Any questions? Yes, you in the back.

Not yet old enough to fight

I'm coming for you!

Conifer 2: The Revengening

2010-06-14T18:32:00.002-06:00

Remember last year's ranting about the pine cones? Well, I decided to count them this time. It has been 13 days since I mowed the lawn, and I just picked up 504 pine cones. And that's just the grass, not the landscaped area directly under the tree.

Pineapple Philosophy

2010-06-14T10:10:00.003-06:00

This morning it occurred to me that the world is like a pineapple. When getting a pineapple ready to eat, you obviously cut off the skin (peel?). But you usually end up with little bits of the skin left. If you cut enough of the skin off to remove all those last little bits, your pineapple is a lot smaller that it would be otherwise.

Similarly, you can avoid a lot of the terrible things in the world, but you can only do so much without shutting yourself away completely, in which case you also miss a lot of valuable experiences. And those unpleasant things you have to deal with just make the rest of the life-pineapple that much better.

When Cheaper Is Better

2010-06-10T16:10:00.002-06:00

Kites (Sam's grandpa bought several fancy kites, but none of them would fly. We bought a $2 one at K-Mart, and it works great.)

Hot dogs (Honestly, I prefer the $.88 packages over the expensive all-beef ones.)

Cereal (Some kinds, like Malt-O-Meal's cinnamon toasters, are better than their expensive counterparts.)

What am I forgetting?

Who Doesn't Enjoy a Good Book?

2010-06-07T17:44:00.002-06:00

Nobody, that's who.

Double Teamed

2010-06-05T18:17:00.002-06:00

We were just accosted by the worst salesmen ever. The first one apparently tried to open our door, and immediately upon my answering he launched into an overly friendly condescending spiel about how he wants to demonstrate his carpet cleaning. When I told him no politely, he continued to ask me what is the most trafficked carpet area in the house.

While he was ignoring my attempts to be civil, a second salesman walked up to the door and asked what the first guy was selling. Apparently he has something against magazine salesmen and kicks them out of his neighborhood when the come around, because "they're all thieves."

As I refused to let the first one in the house, the second one insisted that he wouldn't take more than a moment. When I insisted that it was an extremely bad time (which is the truth) he second man asserted that he had no choice but to come by on Saturdays because nobody was home during the week. He also pointed out that they are paid on commission, trying to play the pity card. Eventually I had to flat out tell them both to leave immediately.

There's a quote from Calvin and Hobbes that is especially pertinent in these situations: "There would be a lot more civility in this world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk all over you."

Getting Stoned

2010-06-04T19:12:00.002-06:00

Last night Sam swallowed one of these:

We were surprised because he's never done that before. But hey, sometimes you just get a hankering for a small piece of glass. And in a day or two we'll have a souvenir and an embarrassing story for his future dates.

Things I Don't Regret

2010-06-03T11:02:00.000-06:00

Never eating the little dried anchovies that they serve as a side dish in Korea

Memorizing the theme song to Duck Tales

Keeping the stray kittens we found when I was a kid

Being a nerd in school

Skipping my own college graduation ceremony

Tasting pineapple for the first time

Buying that three-piece suit for $40

Knowing nothing about American Idol

What about you?

Anachronisms

2010-05-29T22:25:00.003-06:00

Today I heard two phrases which made me wonder if I had traveled back to 1995:
"Whaddup?" and "Peace out."

We Should Probably Have This Looked At

2010-05-26T07:56:00.004-06:00

Katie walked into the room the other day to find that Sam had done this to his sister:

That's the bulb from a baster. He discovered a while back that he could squeeze it and make it stick to his own face, and then he decided to share that joy of discovery with his sister. I can't wait to see how things like this play out once she's old enough to defend herself.

Spa-toola or Spa-chula?

2010-05-25T07:40:00.004-06:00

I think we have four spatulas in our kitchen ( I admit I failed to properly research this topic by counting, but I can distinctly think of four). I feel a little guilty about it. Do we really need all those spatulas? How many things need to be turned over at once? Should I donate one or two to a third-world country where kids have to grow up in a world without spatulas? We are indeed fortunate to live in a place where these wonderful utensils are in rich supply. The next time you are cooking pancakes, eggs, or grilled cheese sandwiches, take a moment to spare a thought for those who aren't as fortunate.

How many spatulas do you have?

.

2010-05-18T13:13:00.001-06:00

What is your favorite punctuation mark and why?

Alarming Clock

2010-05-12T12:04:00.002-06:00

It's not just smoke detectors anymore. Somehow a clock in the baby's room has been set to go off at 4 a.m. And it's a weird little clock without any clear method for disarming the alarm, so it took me 10 minutes to turn it off this morning.

Day 10

2010-05-10T10:57:00.003-06:00

I have never felt better.

My vision is clearer, the very air
Is sweeter, and there is a
Spring in my
Step.

Dinner last night was tempting, with delicious chocolate cake being
Offered. But I resisted, and
Now I feel free.
Under no circumstances will I find myself
Taking the last eclair.
Success!

So, as difficult as it has been,
Everybody should try to reduce their sugar intake
Now and then.
Don't you think?

Happy with the way it is going, I recommend it to
Everyone. I think this experiment will have a
Lasting effect on my life.
Perhaps you should try it too.

On My Kitchen Counter

2010-05-08T10:10:00.002-06:00

A street hockey ball

A tube of super glue

A ball of rubber bands

A travel alarm clock

A lighter for the gas grill

A roll of duct tape

Two watches with dead batteries

A basket of light bulbs

Confession de Mayo

2010-05-05T12:09:00.001-06:00

I like to read articles that discuss quantum physics, in the vain hope that someday I'll understand such concepts as Heisenberg's uncertainty principle and Bell's inequality. Seriously, how can observing a particle affect its quantum state?

Which reminds me, when I get a cat I'm going to have to name it Schrodinger.

Day 3

2010-05-03T11:10:00.003-06:00

There are some Rolos on the kitchen counter. After a couple hours they are audibly calling my name. I refuse to acknowledge the voices, for fear the Skittles will think I'm crazy.

I awoke from a lovely dream of eating Twizzlers this morning to find a shoelace missing from my sneakers. I suspect it was the fun-size Snickers that knocked on the door last night, asking for a glass of water.

The Last Day

2010-04-30T07:59:00.003-06:00

While I don't have dreams of drinking Willy Wonka's chocolate river, I still think I have more sugar than I should. And yet if I ever refuse a treat, the person offering notes that I'm not exactly ready for the big time as a sumo wrestler. Still, I don't think I should wait until I am fat before I start to watch my diet. So, for my health (and to prove that I really can stop any time I want to) I am going to go sugar free for the month of May. That means no chocolate, ice cream, cake, soda, or anything else that is a delightful, sugary treat that melts in your mouth and is sooooo sweeeeet... Sorry, I kind of zoned out there for a minute.

Anyway, I'll be sure to chronicle my adventure here. And if my blog entries get even more erratic for a while, blame the oompa-loompas.

Scale

2010-04-25T20:34:00.003-06:00

I'm just amused at how small Allison's pinkie fingernails are. Smaller than a grain of rice? How are we supposed to trim that?

More Dreaming Awesomeness

2010-04-24T09:15:00.003-06:00

In my dream last night I heard a song by The Offspring that was about beating up the Founding Fathers. All I remember is this line:

Jefferson was a comedian
Let's see if he thinks it's funny when I beat him down

Jefferson was a comedian?

A Matter of a Few Degrees

2010-04-22T18:21:00.002-06:00

Katie has a pork chop recipe from her mom that has never turned out the way she would like it. The rice never seems to be cooked all the way. You know how it is when you cook someone else's recipe; it never seems the same. Anyway, last time we were down at their place Katie found out that her mom has been cooking it at a temperature 15 degrees higher than the written recipe stated. So we'll see how it goes tonight.

Bastardosity

2010-04-19T18:09:00.003-06:00

*Warning: This is a vituperative post intended for venting purposes only. On the other hand, the rage mixed with the sleep deprivation might be amusing, like mixing prescriptions.

Before the baby was born, I contacted the hospital to get Katie registered, because I didn't want to get blood on the stack of forms I would no doubt have to fill out before they would allow the baby to enter the world. ("Push her back in, he hasn't finished form 863-C yet!") They told us we could prepay for the delivery, which would give us a 25% discount. While that sounded suspiciously good, I said okay, so a few days later we got a bill. The bill assumed a two-day stay, free from complications. With the prepayment discount, it was only about $1,000. I knew we'd still get a bill from the doctor (probably $500 or so for what ended up being a whole 30 minutes of work), but I figured that would take care of most of it.

Today we got a couple bills in the mail, adjusting the actual amount due upward slightly. And by "slightly," I mean eight times the original amount. Among the interesting tidbits is the nursery charge for the baby: $1,452. Guess how long, over the course of two days, the baby was in the nursery. Ready? One hour, so Katie could take a shower. Again, $1452 for one hour. How do I earn $1452 for an hour of watching a baby sleep? That's over $3 million a year, multiplied by the number of babies in the nursery. For that kind of money, I'd even change their poopy diapers.

Now, the good news is that this is probably not the final bill. And if that's the case, I have an entirely different complaint. On the bill is this statement: "Your insurance if listed below has been billed." This doesn't tell me whether they have already paid for anything or not. And the statement, which is nowhere labeled "this is not your bill," conveniently includes an envelope in case I want to go ahead and cut them a check, which would save them the trouble of dealing with the insurance. And once you've paid an insurance company, good luck getting your money back in case the insurance pays out too. Is it any wonder people ignore medical bills when they get four different statements for one procedure?

So I was thinking...

2010-04-16T22:32:00.002-06:00

Baby monitor:

YES, send me my Pope John Paul II Collector Pin for FREE examination

2010-04-16T17:57:00.003-06:00

The people who used to live in this house (who are both dead and therefore unlikely to take offense at this post) get some interesting mail. They get a lot of catalogs from mints and other places that sell (let's face it) useless junk. Today's offering of the Pope pip was especially noteworthy.

Two Other Things

2010-04-14T09:02:00.002-06:00

A couple nights ago, I awoke to lights flashing from a police car outside our house. There was also one down at the other end of the street. They were there for a good half hour, with lights flashing, then they drove away. So it was sort of one of those situations I'll always be curious about.

Last night some friends of ours were kind enough to bring us dinner, including spare ribs which I heated up on the grill. When I took them off the grill, I noticed that something hot had dripped out and missed the grease catcher, and some dried leaves under the grill caught fire. Some of the lovely astroturf on our patio may have gotten singed. Sorry, Jer.

Quote from Sam

2010-04-12T20:47:00.002-06:00

"Sorry, I can't hear you. I have the net on my head."

Nugget

2010-04-12T07:03:00.003-06:00

"The way you see the dawn helps determine the way you see the light."

Last night I dreamed that I said that, and in my dream I felt it was very profound and should be remembered for posterity. One more reason the dream world and the waking world are not the same.

Allison Wonderland

2010-04-07T20:22:00.004-06:00

At 2:00 this morning, Katie started having contractions, but only every half hour or so. We packed the hospital bag and decided to wait until they were closer, because they would just send us home, even though we remembered that Sam came quite quickly. At 5:30, the contractions appeared to be no closer, so I hopped in the shower. When I got out 5 minutes later, I found Katie lying on the bed having pretty much continuous contractions.

We didn't get Katie inside the hospital until 6:45 (Props to Jer for his willingness to watch Sam until my parents got to our place). There was no time for an epidural, so the baby was born the old-fashioned way at 7:10. For the stats nuts out there, she was 6 pounds 5 ounces, and 18.5 inches long. We were extremely fortunate in that the doctor was already there for another delivery. So it was definitely a close call (although someone apparently gave birth in the lobby a couple days ago).

After much deliberation, polls and circular discussions, we threw away the previous finalists and decided to name our little redhead Allison.

This hat does a good job of hiding my fauxhawk.

Narrow Your Eyes

2010-04-05T11:28:00.005-06:00

I think everyone should have an arch-nemesis. It gives a focal point for the murderous rage we all feel. (The rest of you feel it too, right?) If I had to pick an enemy, it would be a certain neighbor I once had. She was saccharine to the point of insincerity, sanctimonious, and incredibly judgmental. (I am aware of the hypocrisy of my own judgment of her, by the way—please refer to this post for my feelings on the subject.) She was incapable of understanding that anyone may not have grown up in the same perfect family circumstances she did, which led to a lot of inadvertent bragging. And I know that, deep down, she despised me too, even if she could never admit such negative feelings to herself. I wonder, if we were in a movie, which of us would be the supervillain and which the hero.

Who is your enemy?

Everyone's a Critic

2010-04-02T07:49:00.002-06:00

On the freeway this morning, I noticed long, thin strings of some sort flying toward me periodically from somewhere up ahead. Eventually one caught itself on my side mirror and came along for the ride to work. When I parked, I discovered that it was a strip of tape from an audio cassette. I guess someone didn't like what they were listening to anymore.

Bravo

2010-04-01T07:46:00.001-06:00

I wouldn't have thought mother nature would get into the whole April Fools thing, but non-stop snow for over 24 hours is a pretty good joke.

Faith

2010-03-30T07:47:00.003-06:00

We all tend to hold our personal beliefs close, and we defend them fiercely in the face of detractors. We know that, however ridiculous they might seem on the surface, they play an important part in making us who we are. These intensely personal views give us strength of character and form the basis by which we make our decisions. I am, of course, referring to cold remedies/prevention.

Seriously, people really have deeply held beliefs about how to avoid or treat a cold, and they will preach their cure as devoutly as any missionary. My problem with these cures is that it's not possible for me to know how things would have gone without their echinacea and zinc cookies; it would take a large controlled study to evaluate their effectiveness. Over the years I have tried zinc lozenges, nasal rinses, vitamins, and herbal supplements. And I'm not saying they don't work. What I am saying is that I'm lazy, and I'm going to get better eventually regardless.

Frustration

2010-03-29T07:56:00.002-06:00

/frus•trashun'/n The feeling experienced when a four-hour car trip is extended by an hour due to a traffic jam on the freeway, and the cause of the delay remains unknown.

Dear Me

2010-03-26T07:45:00.003-06:00

One interesting thing about my line of work is that I sometimes get something from myself in the mail. Yesterday, for example, I received a membership packet for our company's organization, with a membership certificate that I had made. I guess I still felt a little bit special.

The Anatomy of Laughter

2010-03-25T07:53:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I had Katie show this to Sam (thanks, Rob):

This was his reaction:

"It was so funny it makes my whole body laugh, even my lungs, even my heart, even my stomach, even my skull, even my bones and brain and muscles." Then he added gallbladder to the list as well.

Another Double Standard

2010-03-23T07:46:00.003-06:00

For some reason, it's socially acceptable for a woman to comment on another woman's appearance:
Wife: That woman is so beautiful. Her skin is so nice, and she has great legs.

Husband: (Knows that if he agrees he's in trouble for looking at another woman, but if he disagrees he's accused of starting a fight, so he feigns a sprained ankle.)

But if a man does the same thing (talking about another man, I mean—talking about another woman is beyond the pale) serious doubts are raised concerning his masculinity:

Husband: That guy is handsome. He's got a nice square jaw and broad shoulders.

Wife:Um, honey? Would you like to go watch a football game or boxing match or something, you know, manly?

You're Welcome

2010-03-20T15:45:00.003-06:00

I was going to post a picture of this awesome blood blister I got on my foot while running today, but at the last second I chickened out.

Masculinity

2010-03-17T12:49:00.001-06:00

Shameful confession: Today I have had the song "A Whole New World" from Aladdin stuck in my head.

Needlessly Complicated Ways to Kill Someone

2010-03-15T08:01:00.005-06:00

• Buy someone a pet milk snake, then later secretly switch it out with a coral snake.
• Feed them ostensibly fat-free food over (that is actually full of fat) over the course of decades.
• Secure for them a high-paying job as an executive. Later, drive the company to financial ruin, then give them a tour of the roof.
• Periodically rub poison oak on their clothes. Over the course of multiple exposures, sensitivity increases. Eventually, they might become sensitive enough to die.
• Lace the edges of every book in their house with poison. Eventually they'll probably get a paper cut.

Precision

2010-03-14T16:24:00.002-06:00

On Saturday I participated in the Rex Lee run in Provo. This was the first race I had participated in that distributed timing chips to the runners. The point of the chip is that it just tells the amount of time between the start and finish line, so if there's a big crowd waiting at the beginning you aren't sabotaged by being back in the crowd.

The point is that the organizers of the race were obviously concerned enough with accuracy to distribute the chips. But that attention to detail was somewhat lacking in a more fundamental aspect of the race. I was running the 10k, which, the last time I checked, equals 6.2 miles. The course, however, was a good 2/3 of a mile short. I can understand if it's a little bit off, but the better part of a mile? Is this a product of the same conspiracy that keeps making clothing with labels showing a smaller size than it really is, to make us feel better about ourselves?

Baby Surprise

2010-03-11T07:47:00.002-07:00

Thank you all for participating in the name poll, even though little good was accomplished because there was no clear winner. But hey, it's not like we were bound to abide by the results anyway.

In other news, the official due date is around the 26th of April, but we did the math ourselves and came up with a much earlier date, and at her last appointment Katie measured a week ahead of where they expected. So there's a new element of excitement to this now, since basically the whole month of April is a distinct possibility. Looks like we're in for a surprise, at any rate.

Well, I Never!

2010-03-08T07:54:00.002-07:00

Why is it that we enjoy round numbers? I imagine there is something in our brains that prefers things to be orderly (even if our bodies never comply by picking up our dirty socks). Case in point: On Saturday I ran a full ten miles for the first time. For some reason that is much more significant to my brain than my previous best, which was 9.5 miles. And since a mile is just an arbitrary distance anyway, it's pretty irrational. But irrationality kind of seems to define us anyway.

Apt

2010-03-05T20:39:00.003-07:00

For those of you who watch The Office, yesterday they aired the episode in which Pam had her baby. I missed it, so I went to NBC's website to catch up. And the episode was sponsored by... birth control. Awesome.

Vote Early and Vote Often

2010-03-03T08:52:00.004-07:00

I posted a poll with the final 4 baby names we are considering. I apologize for the black text on brown background; it's a widget and I have no idea how to change that.

P. S. For those of you seeing this on Facebook, the poll is on my blog.

Family

2010-03-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed Hitler was chasing me around in the branches of trees.

Apparently I am afraid that we are somehow related.

Thespian or Sociopath?

2010-02-27T16:41:00.001-07:00

Sam and I were playing with some toy guns, and I let him "kill" me. He then went in the other room and informed his mother, saying, "Your husband is dead!"

Unleashed

2010-02-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had something you enjoy totally ruined by one bad experience? Say, for example, you can't eat a meal you enjoy because once you threw up afterward, or you can't watch a movie because someone pointed out that the actor you found so attractive looks a lot like your dad. Well, I think I did something like that to someone tonight.

There's a park near me where I have been running lately. It's the nearest place to our house where I can run on dirt, which I feel might help the shin splints I have been getting, so I'm reluctant to give it up. But people are always there with dogs. Lots of dogs. I wouldn't care, but they are never on leashes, despite the posted sign mandating otherwise. Still, most of them are well-behaved, so I generally ignore them.

But tonight someone's over-excited dog jumped up on me and nearly tripped me, so I told the owners (not terribly kindly, but not yelling either) that the dog is supposed to be on a leash. Then I felt guilty, and when I passed them a few minutes I told them I was sorry if I sounded rude. But they just gave me the dirtiest looks I could imagine. Maybe they won't stop going there, but I imagine I still ruined the place for them.

The Beginning

2010-02-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

One day when I was in sixth grade, a girl in our class handed me a small Christmas tree decoration she had obviously made. I had a serious crush on her, so I thought she was giving me a Christmas present. What I failed to remember was that I had been put in charge of an ornament contest for our class. It was several weeks before I realized my mistake, but by then it was too late. Mortified, I brought the ornament back to school and hid it behind something so I could "find" it and apologize to her for having lost track of it.

And thus began a lifetime of awkwardness around women.

Did You Know...

2010-02-17T08:20:00.001-07:00

... that if you do a google image search for "membership certificate" the first entry is for the International Ghost Hunting Society? Awesome.

Mohenjo-Daro

2010-02-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

For most of last week I had that mysterious phrase in my head. It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Eventually I gave in and googled it to see what came up.

I'm fairly certain it's a relic of my world civilizations class in college. So I guess the brain retains more than we think, because I'm pretty sure in the intervening 7 or 8 years I haven't thought of it once. Not that it's unimportant: I mean, after all, "Mohenjo-daro in ancient times was most likely one of the administrative centers of the ancient Indus Valley Civilization." I would be foolish to ignore its historical significance by worrying about such trivial things as feeding my family…

Maybe it's my brain's way of asking if it's okay to delete this old file. Go ahead, brain. Make room for me to memorize more facts about Chuck Norris.

Raisin' Kids

2010-02-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

Sam insisted that I take a picture of the "fish" he made out of raisins. He is excellent at finding more creative things to do with his food than eat it.

Oh, you guys. You really nailed him.

Milestone

2010-02-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

A while back I predicted it, although I don't know why I thought it would happen so much later. But Katie told me that today was the day Sam first said, "I hate you!"

What Did You Call Me?

2010-02-11T08:01:00.001-07:00

I have noticed something puzzling. At some point, every person I know calls me "Mr. Linguist," especially if they want to ask me some sort of language-related question. It's kind of puzzling to me. If I have a question about my computer, I don't call Jer "Mr. IT," so what is it about my particular area of academic study that gives rise to that particular epithet? Answer me that, Mr. or Mrs. Know-it-all.

Image

2010-02-07T20:27:00.001-07:00

Why do pirates have birds perched on their shoulders? Is that really going to strike fear in the hearts of their victims?

Child Psychology

2010-02-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

"Sam, would you like your hair spiked up?"
"No!"

Would you like horns like a triceratops?"
"Okay!"

Sam Quote

2010-02-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

"I'm one of the world's great golfers!"

Non-Prophet

2010-02-05T11:57:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamed that I had several terribly witty blog entries I was writing.

How sad that it did not prove prophetic.

Mitosis

2010-02-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight when I was cooking dinner, I noticed something:

Yeah, I haven't been getting very good sleep lately.

Raising a Question

2010-02-02T17:49:00.001-07:00

Is any woman out there satisfied with her eyebrows? Because every woman I have talked to about it (which, I admit, isn't really that many) thinks hers are too thin or too thick.

No!

2010-01-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

I was a horribly picky eater growing up. Spending a couple years in Korea helped; now I can eat anything, although many of my dislikes remain. If I had to pick one food I dislike most it would be onions. I will eat whatever if someone is feeding me, but on my own I will usually not eat them.

Now, however vehemently you may claim to not be picky, there is probably at least one food you strongly dislike. What is it?

The Lions Lied!

2010-01-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

Today a coworker and I decided to go get some Chinese food. We were going to go to Panda Express, but we spied a buffet with lions out front. Thinking the lions were sure indicators of quality, we decided to go for it and dine at Buffet City.

At first glance, they really had a good variety of food. And there were certainly a lot of people there. (As a side note, it was cute from a purely linguistic perspective to hear the Chinese servers saying “gracias” to the Hispanic patrons.) So we loaded up some plates.

I started with some General Tso’s chicken, usually a good choice. Wow. Terrible. Not just not good; this ventured into the realm of “practical joke” bad. I wanted to look around for a camera. Thinking that bite was a fluke, I tried another and immediately wished I hadn’t.

Well, surely the fried rice would be better. Nope. It tasted like cardboard. And not the fancy stuff, either. This was like the cardboard you might find on the ground in an alley after it has been soaking in garbage water for a while.

After trying a few more entrees (ironically, the stuff that looked like a rat on a stick was one of the more palatable options), I gave up and decided to go for some fruit. They had a nice spread, so I grabbed some cantaloupe, pineapple and, as a back-up, I got some jell-o. And it was a good thing I did, because only the jell-o was edible. I will forever wonder how they actually made pineapple taste bad.

All in all it was an awesomely horrible meal, enjoyable only for the unusual level of entertainment it provided. I couldn’t help but wonder how they stay in business, since nobody could handle that level of gastronomic punishment twice. In the end I decided they must be receiving government funding to develop ways to destroy food, which would prove a powerful weapon to demoralize enemy troops in wartime. Assuming that’s not against the Geneva Convention, I don’t feel too bad about the experience, knowing that in my own small way I helped serve my country.

Scrub-a-dub

2010-01-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I got to spend some time cleaning several more-or-less-public bathrooms. While that's never a terribly pleasant prospect, something occurred to me as I scrubbed those toilets. I think I'm a better person because of the janitorial work I have done (which, given my many less-desirable traits, makes you wonder how truly reprehensible I would be if I had never done any at all).

So I think everyone should have to spend time cleaning, and more than just your own home or room. In particular, teenagers should be forced to spend at least a few days cleaning up other people's messes. They might end up as more responsible adults.

I guess I'm officially entering that phase of life during which I complain about young people... There's no going back.

Predictability

2010-01-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Katie has been getting the series Bewitched from Netflix, and Sam occasionally watches episodes with her. Tonight they were watching an episode and, when something strange happened, Sam said, "Maybe it was Samantha's mother."

When a four-year-old can guess your plot line, you know you're not winning any awards for creativity.

Pobody's Nerfect

2010-01-21T21:09:00.001-07:00

Today I was talking to my friend Todd and he mentioned someone who was complaining about something stupid. It occurred to me that some people are simply not capable of being satisfied with pretty much anything. I mean, growing up we probably all think our parents are like that, but some people seem to be like that in any situation.

So here's the question: Is it because they just have an urge to make things better (and if that's so, why don't they work on themselves first?), or is it some crazy mental illness? Do you have any examples?

Ice Holes

2010-01-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

This morning I went ice fishing with my dad and my uncle. This is pretty much what it consists of:

Sitting, changing bait when the fish don't bite, and sitting again.

It was actually a beautiful day for it, and eventually it warmed up to a tolerable temperature. There were a lot of other people fishing on the lake, and one crazy pilot somewhere in the area who flew a small plane over us at a height of about 50 feet.

Hole, sweet hole.

My perfect record continues (that is, never having caught anything ice fishing). My dad eventually caught one after a couple hours, though. Naturally I forgot to take a picture.

The end

Unexpected quotes from a four-year-old

2010-01-10T19:34:00.001-07:00

"I want to bring my carrion."

The Revenge of the Billboard: The Offending

2010-01-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm no longer heading home from the south in the evening, I don't get to see Doctor Heidi's tasteless billboard. Imagine my surprise, then, at finding a fresh, even more tacky billboard gracing the freeway on my new route.

This one entreats the insecure women of the world to "turn lemons into lemonade," complete with a couple suggestively placed lemons.

Can I just reiterate that our society is doomed?

Trash of the Titans

2010-01-07T22:01:00.001-07:00

I started a new job on Monday. It's been really enjoyable so far, despite the fact that I have a couple million things still to learn. The company has been expanding pretty quickly, especially given current economic realities, and therefore office space and supplies are at a premium.

It's funny to me how in an office environment people have sort of a primal instinct to scavenge, sort of like the kids in Lord of the Flies dressed up in Dockers. I remember seeing people leave a job; soon their empty cubicles were stripped bare of anything useful, not unlike a carcass in the desert (not that I would ever participate in such an activity, however nice that pen holder may be...).

At any rate, I now have a garbage can after four days.

Not Remotely

2010-01-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

Can electronics go on strike? I mean, it's only a matter of time before robots get the vote. In the past few weeks, most of our remote controls have stopped working for one reason or another.

I fixed 'em, though.

Speaking of small electric-powered items, we have had 4 different hand mixers over the last 5 years. The gears turning the beaters keep getting stripped, because for some reason they are made of plastic. This last time we bought a Black & Decker. Maybe a company that makes tools can make a hand mixer that can take a little punishment.

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot

2009-12-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

You're in Costco, and you buy a frozen yogurt. But you drop it on the way out. What do you do?

a. Forget about it and leave

b. Go buy another one

c. Go to the counter and ask for a replacement

In my case, I went to buy another one (because it was for Katie; otherwise I wouldn't have gone back). I was about to hand the cashier the money when some other customer walked up and told her I shouldn't have to pay for it because I just dropped the other one. I tried to pay anyway, because it wasn't their fault I dropped it. I viewed it as a matter of principle. But the cashier waved off payment, and I decided that it would just cause a scene if I argued too much.

And yes, I cleaned up the one that dropped.

Why It's Great to Be a Boy

2009-12-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, all was quiet in Farmer Brown's barnyard...

Little did they know, they were being watched.

When all was still, the attack began.

The pig was the first to go.

Then, consumed by bloodlust, the velociraptor continued its attack, slaughtering every living thing in its path.

Its work finished, the dinosaur paused to stand triumphantly among the carnage. Its thirst for destruction was satisfied... for now.

Detector

2009-12-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

I think smoke detector manufacturers secretly design their products so the “low battery” warning beeps will only sound in the middle of the night, just as you’re drifting off to sleep after you’ve been up for half an hour with your kid. I don’t know how they do it, but I wish they’d use their powers for good.

Ow

2009-12-15T14:12:00.001-07:00

There's no standardized unit to express how much pain we're feeling. Sure, there's the 1 to 10 scale an emergency room doctor might use, but I think we need something more comprehensive. I think the fundamental unit of pain should be named the Moe, after the stooge.

"Oh, man. My stomach is killing me! I'm feeling 2,000 Moes over here!" Doesn't that sound better than saying, "I really, really hurt"? And if we wanted to get really creative with it, we could call pain medication Moe-phine.

On the Nose

2009-12-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

On a baby name website I was checking out, the banner ad was for birth control. A little late for that, isn't it?

Best. Fortune. Ever.

2009-12-11T20:37:00.000-07:00