Cerebrate Good Times

I want to write this down before I forget it. Last December we made a payment to a doctor for one of our maternity bills. The check bounced, which is of course our fault. Later we paid off the full amount when we got our tax refund, but a week or two later they ran that check again, so we paid twice. Katie talked to the bank and the billing company, and each blamed the other. I finally went to the bank and determined that someone physically brought this check in a second time to cash it, which happened 10 days after we had paid the full amount. The management company said they didn't show this payment and eventually shifted the blame to the medical practice itself. They finally looked into it, and one of the partners called me. He showed that they did get this additional payment, but he also claimed that his bank automatically ran the check the second time. That doesn't square with what I understand. I believe someone was trying to embezzle money through the practice. At an...

It's not just smoke detectors anymore. Somehow a clock in the baby's room has been set to go off at 4 a.m. And it's a weird little clock without any clear method for disarming the alarm, so it took me 10 minutes to turn it off this morning.

Okay, this is a weird one. I noticed a few months ago that one of my pinky fingernails grows little raised circles, one after the other. I tried and tried to get a good picture, but this is the best I could do. Here they are, highlighted so you know where to look. It's just weird! Now I bet you're checking out your own fingernails...

Whoever built the building I work in was apparently—hmm, how can I put this delicately?—a steaming pile of monkey droppings, at least when it came to the HVAC system. We have been having temperature problems all year, and the company has been trying to get it fixed for months. I have 4 a/c vents in the vicinity of my cubicle (and none in the rest of the room), and this week they’re all working overtime. It will be frigid for an hour, then they’ll turn off for 20 minutes, then they’ll turn back on again. My theory is that there is a group of biologists, climatologists, and anthropologists studying my reaction to the constant warming/cooling cycle. I hope they’re able to learn something useful.

I don’t know where people get these things, but they worry me. I think there’s some sort of cult mentality going on here. We need to do something about them.

I recently read an article that stated it is unlikely that any terrorist group would be able to build a nuclear bomb, because it’s enormously expensive and difficult to enrich uranium, and weapons-grade nuclear materials are very tightly controlled. But this morning I was thinking about the ever-increasing price of oil. Saudi Arabia is the largest oil producer in the world, and it also has known ties with terrorists. What if they deliberately limited production, causing prices to rise, in order to fund the nuclear ambitions of terrorists? And that, my friends, is how to create something to worry about out of thin air. But hey, the media do it all the time.

I was thinking about the whole thing with American Airlines this week. For those of you who are able to avoid the news (which I recommend, by the way), AA basically didn’t feel like making sure their wings weren’t going to fall off, until the government had to step in and force them to evict that family of possums living in the cargo area, so to speak. (“I call the big one Bitey!”) So now they’re having to pay millions in vouchers to passengers, in addition to the cost of making repairs. Meanwhile, we’re all thinking, “How can they be so irresponsible?!” But how many times do you make all the repairs your car needs to keep running? I don’t know about you, but every time I even get my oil changed they “recommend” about $2,000 worth of repairs. I figure as long as the wheels stay on, I’m good (although last time they said I need to replace the wheel bearings, which actually do keep the wheels from falling off…). Anyway, this led me to the most cynical thought I’ve had in my entire l...

For some reason, whenever I see someone who is driving and has a stocking cap on, they're driving a Subaru. Is this some sort of new automotive gang I should be aware of? If I flash my lights at them, will they shoot me? Maybe they are ready to stop at a moment's notice to clean litter from the side of the road. Or maybe the heat just doesn't work well in those cars. I suppose I should give those folks the benefit of the doubt, especially if they know my name and address.

Has anybody, anywhere, at any time actually enjoyed eating Bit-O-Honey candy? why do they make that stuff? It's like chewing gum with nuts in it. Seriously, I want to know if you can find anyone who likes it.

In my neighborhood there’s a quilting store. In fact, there are two, across the street from each other. Every time I pass by, there are women between the ages of 40 and 70 getting into or out of cars there, meandering across the street ignoring oncoming traffic. There’s a certain “look” that all these quilting women seem to have. At this point I should emphasize that I have no objection to the hobby of quilting. I have a few quilts and blankets made by relatives, and they can be great gifts. The thing that bothers me is that somehow I have the impression that this is what these women do with their lives. From sunup to sundown they are hunched over quilting frames, feverishly trying to outdo “that hussy down the street who doesn’t even tie the right kind of knots but gets all the attention with her flashy designs.” As I drive by it’s difficult to resist the temptation to yell something like “Why don’t you contribute something meaningful to society, instead of wasting all your time and...

Sometimes I use hairspray in the morning. Sprayed in the confines of the bathroom, I can’t help but breathe it in for a couple of minutes. I have this strange and compelling fear that the hairspray is clogging the alveoli in my lungs, causing me to slowly suffocate. Sometimes I even hold my breath before I spray and try not to breathe until I leave the room. Is this an unforeseen byproduct of anti-tobacco advertising or a warning sign of impending madness?

When I was in elementary school, I used to get a sore throat often in the summer, especially around my birthday. Eventually I had my tonsils removed. Then, a couple of years ago, I had a horrible stomach ache on my birthday. This year, I had a horrible stomach ache the night before my birthday and the night after (I didn’t really have that much cake). Something fishy is going on here. I suppose to be scientifically valid, I need to keep track of the other days I’m sick to see if I’m really sick more often on my birthday than any other day, but that would involve work. It’s much easier to just claim that mysterious forces are at work.

Something strange is happening to homes all around us. It started as a craft project, then grew into a nightmare of interior design. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the star! I’ve been noticing this symbol appearing on more and more houses over the past few months. I have two possible explanations for this. One: This is a subtle, sinister sign of membership in a secret organization dedicated to the destruction of humanity. Two: It’s a symbol of the herd mentality we often try to deny but rarely escape. I’m not sure which possibility is more frightening.