Cerebrate Good Times

I’ve mentioned this before, but as far as I can tell it’s not on this blog anywhere. For anyone who has kids or will have kids, distraction is a vital tool. Last night we were trying to get Sam to go to bed. I had read him a few books, and Katie was going to take over. She told him to stay in bed while she went to get another book. He got out of bed, though, (and disobeyed in a number of other ways) so she told him we wouldn’t read anything else to him because he wasn’t being good. He screamed for half an hour about wanting us to read to him ( Fox in Socks , if you must know), until I started asking him questions about the books we had read already. He ended up telling us all about the stories we had read, calmed down, and fell asleep shortly thereafter. I’m told this works on grown men too, but I don’t believe—ooh, a peanut!

Hobbies are strange things. I think it’s good for us all to be involved in some pursuit that will make us better as a person and broaden our knowledge. I have a hard time when people get too involved in something, though. Here’s a hint: if you have a bumper sticker that advertises the sexual habits of those who engage in your particular hobby, you’re probably a little too involved. Perhaps the best example I can come up with is sports. Those who know me are aware that I’m not exactly Mr. Athletic, but I do enjoy a certain level of physical activity. I even watch the occasional football or basketball game. Contrast this with die-hard sports fans. I know a guy whose 8-year-old son locked himself in the closet after his dad lost a ward basketball game. That goes beyond mere hobby. Welcome to crazy town, population you . Collecting things is another hobby that can start off innocently enough, but eventually you may find yourself drowning in Star Trek memorabilia. Collecting pictures of...

Christmas shopping can be a significant source of stress during the holiday season. Being the nice guy that I am, I feel obligated to share with you some of the tips and tricks I’ve learned over the years when it comes to giving gifts. One of the most important things to consider is how much you’re going to spend on each person. If you spend significantly more than they do, you could embarrass them, and if you spend less than they do, you might come across as a cheapskate. So the best thing to do is to wait until they give you a gift, upon which you can say that theirs is still being shipped. Then you can open the gift they gave you, giving you an idea of how much you can spend. Another advantage of giving gifts late is that it allows you to re-gift anything you don’t like to someone you haven’t shopped for yet. For men, shopping for the woman in your life can be a daunting task. Women tend to scrutinize gifts beyond all reason or logic, as it forms their opinion of your opin...

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not a big fan of current naming trends of children. Here are some rules I have come up with that will help children avoid intense ridicule at school. No mixing names. If the parents’ names are Linda and Bob, don’t name your child Binda, Lindbob, or Boblinda. It's not nearly as clever as it seems. No words that might have a meaning in other context. This is not so much because they’re all bad (April is a perfectly good name), but I know I’d be confused if I kept hearing my name constantly for one month out of the year. Maybe it’s just me, but imagine if your name were Computer. You’d hear it all the time, and you’d probably be driven to a murderous rage. Be careful about spelling. Take Brian Regan’s advice and spell your girl’s name Amy instead of Aymie. Think of how many times throughout her life she’ll have to have that spelling corrected. The originality isn’t worth the inconvenience. Let your child distinguish herself by her acti...

There’s a part in the movie Night at the Museum which I particularly enjoy. Ben Stiller’s character is about to have his head rammed with a model train, which he really doesn’t want to happen. Owen Wilson’s character says something to the effect of “Quit whining, and take it like a man!” As silly as this may seem, I think it’s good advice to apply to life in general. We are so obsessed with making people pay for mistakes that we are becoming less and less willing to “just deal with it.” For example, if I order a meal in a restaurant and don’t like it, it’s not necessarily the restaurant’s fault. It’s my fault for ordering the Grilled Dog Poo in the first place (thanks, Johnny). We need to accept that sometimes things just won’t go our way. Occasionally we purchase an article of clothing that falls apart within a few weeks, or a gallon of milk that’s sour. These things happen. Take it like a man. I’m not saying we should never ask others to take responsibility for their actions. ...

Some people can’t take criticism, while others can’t take compliments. I won’t pretend that I’m great at taking criticism, although I make an attempt to keep an open mind (at least that part of my mind that’s not actively plotting revenge). I’m utterly terrible at taking compliments, though. Part of the problem stems from studying other languages. In many parts of the world the only way to receive a compliment is to deny it vehemently. “I like your coat.” “This old thing? I stole it from a dead hobo. It makes me look and smell like a rotting whale carcass.” In other parts of the world, if you compliment someone’s clothing, they will try to take it off and give it to you. This leads us to a discussion entitled “The World’s Worst Pickup Lines,” which is best left for another time. In truth, the only universally acceptable way to deal with a compliment is to immediately spill a hot drink on yourself, scream, and run for the nearest bathroom. It maintains your dignity while defusin...

There are some things you should never say, because no matter how true they may be, nobody will believe you. Here are some examples. 1. I’m not stupid! 2. No, that dress does not make you look fat. 3. Of course I’m over 21, I just forgot my ID! 4. Reality shows are the greatest! (Okay, some people will believe this. See item #1.) 5. The sugar-free kind tastes just like the regular kind. 6. I thought the speed limit on this road was 50, officer. Can you think of any others?