The Best Things in Life Are Free

I like to think that those who know me would consider me reasonably witty. I enjoy trying to spontaneously think of clever comments. It is occasionally useful, however, to have a stockpile of standard comments, particularly insults. So I got to wondering what the best insult in the world would be.

There are two kinds of insults that particularly intrigue me. First, there is the over-the-head insult. This uses vocabulary or word structure in a way that is incomprehensible to the recipient. Here is an excellent example from "Calvin and Hobbes":

"Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity."

Brilliant!

The second type is the insult so blatant that it can be utterly devastating. This can be as simple as saying, "You are an idiot," speaking slowly so it is even more insulting. Or, of course, you could also give a long involved explanation of their stupidity, which can be very therapeutic.

Let's see if any of you can come up with an award-winning, totally original insult. I'll work on one too. The winning comment will be immortalized in a post in a few days.

Comments

)en said…
Ok, what about gestures? My sister and I made up one that was pretty effective.

You fake-pick your nose and then immediately direct that same finger, pointing harshly to the person you want to insult.

I don't really know what it means. "You're like a booger in my nose"? but ooohh... it was harsh.
June 26, 2007 at 8:29 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, you couldn't get white onions because of the war; all you could get...

Do you ever get stuck in a conversation that you can’t get out of? I’m not talking about those times when you have to be somewhere else or there’s a rational need to leave, but rather those times when, with every word the other person utters (it’s typically just a two-person conversation), your brain threatens to escape your body and make a break for it. All you can do is try to play some old TV theme songs in your head, or maybe design circuits if you’re the engineering type, all the while searching for an opportunity to escape. Now I’m boring myself just thinking about those situations.
Read more

Thirty Thoughts

1. Is that more hair in the shower drain every morning? 2. What's the big deal? It's just a number with a zero at the end. Why should we consider that significant? 3. Am I still allowed to wear shorts? 4. I need to buy a house within the next five years or we won't have it paid off by retirement age. Then again, my generation won't be able to retire until age 80, so I shouldn't worry. 5. I really should be eating more green, leafy vegetables. If I leave potatoes in the fridge long enough, will that count? 6. Going back to school is getting less and less likely. Then again, sending kids to school will be enough trauma. 7. At least I no longer look like I'm 12, which I did until I was about 23. 8. I will never wear my cell phone on my belt. 9. For some reason, there's a big difference between having a kid and having kid s . 10. You kids get off the lawn! 11. I wonder when my memory will start to go. 12. Inside of me beats the heart of an 18-year-old. At leas...
Read more

Moral Compass

On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being “afraid to step on a blade of grass” and 10 being “I’m gonna kill everyone!”), how bad is it if I were to warm up my car in the morning for 10 minutes before coming to work?
Read more