Hello! My Name Is Bingo!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not a big fan of current naming trends of children. Here are some rules I have come up with that will help children avoid intense ridicule at school.

No mixing names. If the parents’ names are Linda and Bob, don’t name your child Binda, Lindbob, or Boblinda. It's not nearly as clever as it seems.

No words that might have a meaning in other context. This is not so much because they’re all bad (April is a perfectly good name), but I know I’d be confused if I kept hearing my name constantly for one month out of the year. Maybe it’s just me, but imagine if your name were Computer. You’d hear it all the time, and you’d probably be driven to a murderous rage.

Be careful about spelling. Take Brian Regan’s advice and spell your girl’s name Amy instead of Aymie. Think of how many times throughout her life she’ll have to have that spelling corrected. The originality isn’t worth the inconvenience. Let your child distinguish herself by her actions instead of her name.

I know you don’t want your child to have the same name as four other children in his class, but that’s not sufficient justification to name him Methylchloroisothiazolinone. That’s not a name; that’s a shampoo ingredient.

You might want to steer clear of names that are traditional of an ethnicity other than your own. A white boy named Sione might be beaten up by Polynesian boys, which is probably something to avoid.

Remember that your child will one day grow up. She might be embarrassed to run around as a high-powered executive if her name is Binky Boo.

The point of this advice is to actually consider your child’s feelings, but you're just going to ignore it. That's it; I wash my hands of all of you.