Have a Zantac Candy Cane

Everyone I have spoken to this month has asked me if I’m “ready for Christmas.” I don’t understand what that means. Why do people give themselves so much to do this month that it all becomes one big endorsement for lobotomies? Calm down, people! Nobody cares if you didn’t get your giant, inflatable Peanuts-character-themed nativity scene on the lawn. Next July you won’t be sitting around mourning the fact that you gave people in the neighborhood the exact same wassail mix as Judy down the street (curse her eyes!). As you lie on your deathbed, surrounded by family, you’re not going to be thinking, “Oh, if only I had been able to find that glass reindeer ornament I searched for my whole life!” And if that is the thought you take with you as you depart this mortal life, you can take comfort in knowing that the world will not be made worse by your passing.

Don’t get me wrong. I like Christmas decorations and giving gifts and all that. But I don’t see why those things are such a focal point of the season. I’m not one to talk about the “true meaning” of things, but I feel reasonably confident in the assertion that the true meaning of the season has little to do with icicle lights and four-hour sales events (today only!).

Comments

Kevin Lloyd said…
I think you mean "Have a Xanax Candy Cane" Unless, by saying "calm down" you mean "stop having indigestion and gastric reflux."
December 20, 2007 at 3:51 PM
Joel said…
I actually did intentionally use an ulcer treatment, but a Valium-type drug name would have worked just as well.
December 20, 2007 at 3:56 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, you couldn't get white onions because of the war; all you could get...

Do you ever get stuck in a conversation that you can’t get out of? I’m not talking about those times when you have to be somewhere else or there’s a rational need to leave, but rather those times when, with every word the other person utters (it’s typically just a two-person conversation), your brain threatens to escape your body and make a break for it. All you can do is try to play some old TV theme songs in your head, or maybe design circuits if you’re the engineering type, all the while searching for an opportunity to escape. Now I’m boring myself just thinking about those situations.
Read more

Thirty Thoughts

1. Is that more hair in the shower drain every morning? 2. What's the big deal? It's just a number with a zero at the end. Why should we consider that significant? 3. Am I still allowed to wear shorts? 4. I need to buy a house within the next five years or we won't have it paid off by retirement age. Then again, my generation won't be able to retire until age 80, so I shouldn't worry. 5. I really should be eating more green, leafy vegetables. If I leave potatoes in the fridge long enough, will that count? 6. Going back to school is getting less and less likely. Then again, sending kids to school will be enough trauma. 7. At least I no longer look like I'm 12, which I did until I was about 23. 8. I will never wear my cell phone on my belt. 9. For some reason, there's a big difference between having a kid and having kid s . 10. You kids get off the lawn! 11. I wonder when my memory will start to go. 12. Inside of me beats the heart of an 18-year-old. At leas...
Read more

Moral Compass

On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being “afraid to step on a blade of grass” and 10 being “I’m gonna kill everyone!”), how bad is it if I were to warm up my car in the morning for 10 minutes before coming to work?
Read more