Holiday Gift Guide

Christmas shopping can be a significant source of stress during the holiday season. Being the nice guy that I am, I feel obligated to share with you some of the tips and tricks I’ve learned over the years when it comes to giving gifts.

One of the most important things to consider is how much you’re going to spend on each person. If you spend significantly more than they do, you could embarrass them, and if you spend less than they do, you might come across as a cheapskate. So the best thing to do is to wait until they give you a gift, upon which you can say that theirs is still being shipped. Then you can open the gift they gave you, giving you an idea of how much you can spend. Another advantage of giving gifts late is that it allows you to re-gift anything you don’t like to someone you haven’t shopped for yet.

For men, shopping for the woman in your life can be a daunting task. Women tend to scrutinize gifts beyond all reason or logic, as it forms their opinion of your opinion of them. (“Running shoes?! He does think I’m fat!”) The only way to avoid this is to give her a gift that gives her the impression that you think she’s perfect, which is a picture of herself. If any of you actually have the guts to try this, let me know how it works.

For women giving gifts to men, you need to give them something that will make them feel powerful. Assuming a monster truck is out of the question, you can get them power tools (it really doesn’t matter what; men love all tools, even if they have no idea how to use them) or just about any electronic gizmo you can find. (“Wow! A little box with switches and dials on it!)

Now, when buying gifts for young children, you should remember the cardinal rule: Whatever you buy them, they will only like the box it came in. So you might as well go get the cheapest toy you can find, throw it away, and just wrap the box. When purchasing for older children you can relax, safe in the knowledge that nothing you buy them could possible satisfy them. They will never be happy until they have every toy and gadget that every other kid at school has. This knowledge sets you free because, as long as they’re going to complain anyway, you might as well just get them socks and underwear, saving all your money for the “family” present, which is that big-screen TV you want.