Cerebrate Good Times

We are all aware that some "other people" are occasionally scammed successfully by someone over the internet. Fortunately, most people are now jaded enough to smell spam and phishing from a mile away. There is, however, another aspect to internet security that I think we should pay more attention to. Many people I know post photos on various websites. The idea is to enable friends and family members to download them and print or develop them. I posted a couple photos on one of those sites before realizing that I don't want any bozo off the street to see my personal pics. Plus, different friends use different sites for the same purpose, so eventually you might have to use half a dozen such sites. This applies to more than family pictures. How many websites have you purchased items from using a credit card? We commonly use sites such as Ebay and Amazon, but I have made purchases from a number of other online stores. They not only have my credit card number, but my address ...

Today's lesson is about misleading statistics. We will use weather reports for our first example. For much of the spring, the Salt Lake City area was, say, 20 degrees below average for this time of year. This week it will be 20 degrees above average. Having grown up here, I can say that we rarely have more than about 2 weeks of pleasant 75-degree weather in the spring. Usually the winter clings to life not unlike your crabby great aunt, until it takes the full power of the summer to dispel its last vestiges and launch us into the usual 95-plus-degree weather we will enjoy until October. The point is that while 75 degrees may be the average for this time of year, that number really represents 55 and 95 degree days blended together through the miracle of math. (Incidentally, I would like to see the statistics of the temperature predictions of meteorologists compared with actual temperatures.) Now, to solidify the point, let's consider another example. Litigation is currently pen...

Nothing makes me prouder to be an American than to see dead celebrities hawking wares on television, except perhaps for the fact that any holiday serves as an excuse for retailers to have "the biggest sale of the season." Am I wrong in thinking that nobody is fooled by this? Take Memorial Day, for example. What is it about the opportunity to remember loved ones and fallen soldiers that makes us want to go buy a couch? Why don't we do something to stop this assault on our collective sensibility? I think the worst offenders are furniture stores, car dealers, and clothing stores. I'm going to make it a point to never shop at any of those places during that kind of sale. I'd rather cherish the memory of those who have passed away by visiting the cemetery and by spending time with living family and friends. But apparently that's just me.

I think it's time to update some axions. Many clichés don't really hold any water, so a while ago a coworker and I decided to bring them into the modern era and correct them grammatically. Here are a few of my favorites: Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger, weaker, or largely untouched. The way to a man's heart is through his superior vena cava; the stomach just leads to the small intestine. Four walls do not a prison make, but it's a start. Patience is a virtue; making others hurry is a skill. Tis better to have loved and lost than to have allowed her to max out your credit cards. A rose by any other name would just confuse men buying flowers. Hell hath no fury like people in line at the post office. Easier procrastinated than done. The early colonoscopy gets the polyps. There are two kinds of people: those who deal in generalities and those who don't. Talk is cheap, except the words "I do." Laughter is the best medecine; and, when directed imp...

We men are becoming increasingly superfluous. http://cbs4denver.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_143210548.html It's only a matter of time until women realize they no longer need us. When they seize total control of the world, wars and hunger will cease, although occurrences of slap-fighting may rise sharply. Still, I think spending a billion dollars to research clothes that look good on any body type would be more sensible than trying to research ways to kill the most people from the greatest distance. Seriously, women are undoubtedly the superior sex. Please don't hit me over the head with that curling iron.

This would make a lame post, but I already posted today, so this is for my benefit. For anyone who reads this, I want you to help me name my "new" car. It's a white 1999 Chevrolet Lumina. It's just about the most boring color of the most boring car in existence. So the name could reflect that, or it could make up for that by being unusually exciting and creative. So far, I have thought of Edison and Pedro. As you can see, I need help. So leave lots of ridiculous comments, please.

Since I solved world hunger the other day, today I will tackle the problem of disease. First of all, I have a theory that germs (bacteria and viruses; prions seem to fit a different category) obey Darwinian rules similar to the rest of the world. That is, if you eliminate something, eventually something else will fill its niche in the environment. Think about the great advances in vaccination made in the last two centuries. We have practically eliminated polio and smallpox, and even less life-threatening illnesses such as the mumps and chicken pox. And what do we have to show for it? AIDS, Ebola, and countless flulike diseases from the Hanta Virus to West Nile. I believe that no matter how many diseases we effectively eliminate, more will take their place. Eventually we will either have to be vaccinated for hundreds of diseases, or we will have to stop vaccinating against those we assume we have eliminated, which opens the door for them to come back. This is not a comforting thought. I...