Dough Nut

You can tell a lot about a person by what they put on their pizza. Okay, you really can’t (except for people who use corn as a topping, which is an unforgivable sin). But I can tell you that pizza holds the key to world peace. Yes, you read that right (unless you thought it said “wormy peas,” in which case you should go lie down for a while). Allow me to ’splain.

It all boils down to the fact that 99.9% of pizza places use canned pineapple (even in Hawaii, the land of pineapple! What a travesty!). While eating canned pineapple is better than being run over by a truck, it brings the delicious fruit down to the level of “normal food” rather than leaving it at the “manna” level where it belongs. Fresh pineapple on pizza, like the music of Bill and Ted, can, um, end hunger, bring world peace, and bring the planets into alignment.

You’re probably wondering about those who don’t like pineapple to being with. Don’t worry. All they need to do is repent in sackcloth and ashes and embrace this holy food. Then we’ll all be too busy savoring the deliciousness to kill each other. Have you ever seen someone harm another living thing while taking a bite of ham and pineapple pizza? I rest my case.

(By the way, #2 on the list of underrated pizza toppings is ground beef. It sounds so boring but it’s really great. And for those of you who simply must know, #3 is bacon, which is on the rise up from obscurity.)