You Had Your Breakfast in Bed Before...

Last night I dreamed that I had been traveling somewhere for about a year, and I came home to find that I was now required to serve a two-year stint in the army. Apparently I was to be stationed in Austria, and I was pretty upset. I distinctly remember thinking that I wasn't homesick when I went to Korea for two years, or wherever I had been traveling in this dream for the previous year, but I started to feel homesick in the dream itself. Very strange.

What Is a Friend?

*Please note that this post has nothing to do with Facebook, which in turn has nothing to do with real friendship.

In circumstances such as work and church—instances in which people find themselves in groups they did not organize—we usually find people we enjoy interacting with. Often we don't see them outside of these circumstances, but we still feel they are more than "just" coworkers. But it seems odd to call them friends if we never see each other voluntarily. So what are these people? We need something stronger than "acquaintance," but not as strong as "friend," to describe this relationship. Any ideas?

The Vessel

This is a post more like someone else with a cereal fixation would do, but I still have to mention it. Lately I've been having cereal as a morning snack at work, and I've noticed something. Cereal eaten from a styrofoam bowl, with a plastic spoon, tastes way different from cereal eaten from a stoneware or glassware bowl with a metal spoon. And it's less enjoyable.

A Glimpse into My Brain

In a box I just ran across a list I made as a teenager, entitled If I Ran When I Run the World. It consists of rules for society. Here it is, copied directly, along with my current feelings on the issue in red:

Anyone talking on a cellular phone while driving will be killed on sight, or possibly kept in cages for our own amusement. I still feel this is the correct stance, although I have been guilty of it myself from time to time. I suppose the best option would be to change it to texting while driving.

All dogs not used for official purposes, such as police dogs, rescue dogs, etc., will be destroyed, probably hung as piñatas and beaten with sticks, or eaten in Korea. Here too, I still agree with the sentiment, but now I realize that the problem is mostly dog owners. So maybe I'd add them to the list.


All Ford Expeditions, and the yuppies driving them, will be catapulted off the edge of the Grand Canyon; cash awards for distance. I hadn't seen Hummers yet.


All teen pop idols such as Ricky Martin, Britney Spears, and all the homosexual 5-boy singing groups will be rounded up and hunted down in a wild game preserve by hard rock bands such as Metallica, AC/DC, Aerosmith, etc.; the proceeds will go to charity. I'm still totally on board with this.


Any car manufacturer who puts random letters on the end of the car's name, such as LS, DX, ES, etc., as a way of charging hundreds of dollars more for nothing, will have their plants napalmed. I didn't understand options packages at the time. I still think they're stupid, though.

People caught using speakerphones will have their vocal cords removed and will never again have anyone speak to them. YES! YES!

Anyone who remakes any Beatles song will have their vocal cords gouged out with a dirty toilet brush and forced to dress as a mime for the rest of their natural life. Yep.

All golf courses will be converted to grazing for cattle. Yes.

Nobody over the age of 50 can wear shorts in public. I don't really care that much about this anymore, but it's at least a good guideline to follow.


Each time an individual is caught driving drunk, they will be required to donate an organ. If any are damaged, i.e., the liver or lungs, they will not be an option. I am 100% behind this one.

Anyone driving a car in which the turn signals work but does not use them will be forced to drive an old Ford Pinto with a leaky gas tank. Yes, but they should also have to watch their car crushed before their eyes.

Those who wear shorts in the winter must wear long pants in the summer. Flip flops count too.

People who do not return shopping carts to the designated places will have a shopping cart permanently chained to their ankle. If I can always put the cart back even when wrangling kids, anyone can do it.

People who do not flush public toilets and urinals will have their kidneys removed, thus spending the rest of their lives needing dialysis. This one still works for me, too.


People who write or say, "What's up, Bro?" will be castrated. I guess I assumed it was always guys who do this, which is probably right. Can women call a guy "Bro"?

Church members whose cell phones ring during a church meeting will be excommunicated—and executed—immediately. Does this count?


The Worst Inadvertent Insults

It doesn't make you any less of a man.

Consequences

This afternoon I went out to a certain section of the trail I run on, carrying a pair of snips. With these I cut the piece of barbed wire that caused this yesterday:

The end

Musical Beds

This comes across as another "complaining about lack of sleep" post, but I really just think it's funny how much we all switch places during the night. I mean, at some point all you can do is laugh (preferably maniacally, as you are carted away in a straightjacket).

Bedtime: Katie goes to lie down in Allison's room to help her fall asleep. I am in Sam's room to do the same (he has a hard time falling asleep in his room alone). Allison is having a hard time too, so Katie sends me to bed once Sam is asleep. She comes in at some point.

At 12:30 or so, Sam comes into our room crying. I get up and go lie down in his room to keep him company as he falls asleep again.

At around 1, while I'm still in Sam's room, Allison wakes up crying. I go into her room for a few minutes and get her back to sleep.

At around 3, Allison is up again. Katie goes into her room to try getting her down again. After a few minutes it's obvious that won't work, so she comes back into our room to let Allison sleep in our bed. Because there's not enough room, I go back to Allison's room to sleep.

I get up at 6:30 in Allison's room and see that Sam has gone into our room to sleep with Katie and Allison. I get in the shower.

When I come out, Allison has woken up again, and Katie has taken her back into her room to avoid disturbing Sam in our bed.

A Few of My Favorite Fictional Characters

The Robot Devil

Ron Swanson

Richard Sharpe

John Dortmunder

Montgomery Burns

Malcolm Reynolds

Harry Dresden

Who are yours?

I Can't Relate

It’s all about context. Seriously, context is way underrated. Allow me to explain.

This happens a lot at work, when someone asks me, “Do I use ‘affect’ of ‘effect’?” Obviously, either might be correct, based on the context. Or I will have to make another decision without knowing the big picture. I was once offered a job that seemed like it included a big raise, until I noticed that the insurance cost four times what I was currently paying.

I’ve already mentioned how I don’t have a favorite color. What might be a good color for a car may not be the best color of clothing. Choosing a favorite food all depends on my mood and what I have recently eaten.

To that end, I ask a lot of questions whenever I talk to anyone. I think I annoy people sometimes, but it’s all in an effort to establish context to know how a situation might relate to other things. So I apologize.

I’m also sorry to post this without any context as to where these thoughts came from.

Last Night

8:30: Allison goes to sleep.

9:15: Allison wakes up.

9:30: Sam goes to sleep.

10:00: I go to sleep. Katie stays up to get Allison down again.

11:00: I wake up to Allison’s crying and, feeling guilty, go to help Katie get her back to bed.

11:45: Allison is asleep again, and Katie and I go to bed.

11:50 to 12:30: The neighbors’ dogs whine and bark. (The neighbors have been gone for 5 days, and the dogs are unhappy to be left out in the cold, because they normally sleep inside.)

12:30: Unable to sleep, I go over to the neighbors’ house to complain. They have just gotten back and were about to bring the dogs in anyway.

12:45 to 1:??: Feeling stupid because I complained just before the problem would have been solved anyway, I am unable to sleep.

2:55: Allison wakes up and won’t go back to sleep in her room. I hold her for a while to get her sleepy again and take her in to sleep in our bed with Katie.

3:15 to 6:20: I sleep on the floor in Allison’s room.

6:20 to 6:50: I decide to set my alarm a little later and doze off and on.