A Glimpse into My Brain

In a box I just ran across a list I made as a teenager, entitled If I Ran When I Run the World. It consists of rules for society. Here it is, copied directly, along with my current feelings on the issue in red:

Anyone talking on a cellular phone while driving will be killed on sight, or possibly kept in cages for our own amusement. I still feel this is the correct stance, although I have been guilty of it myself from time to time. I suppose the best option would be to change it to texting while driving.

All dogs not used for official purposes, such as police dogs, rescue dogs, etc., will be destroyed, probably hung as piƱatas and beaten with sticks, or eaten in Korea. Here too, I still agree with the sentiment, but now I realize that the problem is mostly dog owners. So maybe I'd add them to the list.

All Ford Expeditions, and the yuppies driving them, will be catapulted off the edge of the Grand Canyon; cash awards for distance. I hadn't seen Hummers yet.

All teen pop idols such as Ricky Martin, Britney Spears, and all the homosexual 5-boy singing groups will be rounded up and hunted down in a wild game preserve by hard rock bands such as Metallica, AC/DC, Aerosmith, etc.; the proceeds will go to charity. I'm still totally on board with this.

Any car manufacturer who puts random letters on the end of the car's name, such as LS, DX, ES, etc., as a way of charging hundreds of dollars more for nothing, will have their plants napalmed. I didn't understand options packages at the time. I still think they're stupid, though.

People caught using speakerphones will have their vocal cords removed and will never again have anyone speak to them. YES! YES!

Anyone who remakes any Beatles song will have their vocal cords gouged out with a dirty toilet brush and forced to dress as a mime for the rest of their natural life. Yep.

All golf courses will be converted to grazing for cattle. Yes.

Nobody over the age of 50 can wear shorts in public. I don't really care that much about this anymore, but it's at least a good guideline to follow.

Each time an individual is caught driving drunk, they will be required to donate an organ. If any are damaged, i.e., the liver or lungs, they will not be an option. I am 100% behind this one.

Anyone driving a car in which the turn signals work but does not use them will be forced to drive an old Ford Pinto with a leaky gas tank. Yes, but they should also have to watch their car crushed before their eyes.

Those who wear shorts in the winter must wear long pants in the summer. Flip flops count too.

People who do not return shopping carts to the designated places will have a shopping cart permanently chained to their ankle. If I can always put the cart back even when wrangling kids, anyone can do it.

People who do not flush public toilets and urinals will have their kidneys removed, thus spending the rest of their lives needing dialysis. This one still works for me, too.

People who write or say, "What's up, Bro?" will be castrated. I guess I assumed it was always guys who do this, which is probably right. Can women call a guy "Bro"?

Church members whose cell phones ring during a church meeting will be excommunicated—and executed—immediately. Does this count?


)en said…

let me know how your basement bomb is coming along...
joel said…
Am I the only one prone to hyperbole, then?
Calee said…
The one about the teen pop idols sounds like The Hunger Games. :)

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