Cerebrate Good Times

Here are a few ways to earn instant death at my hand (in no particular order): Use the phrase "sure can't" or "sure don't." For example: "Could you lend me a dollar?" "I sure can't!" As soon as you hear the word "sure" you think the person is agreeing, and it takes a minute to realize you were just denied. Using the word "dog" in any context aside from a literal reference to the animal, especially in social contexts such as "What's up, dog?" And don't even get me started on "dawg" or "dogg." Call me " big guy ." Commission my father to create a sword, refuse to pay him, and murder him in front of me.

So I was just eating some Hershey's kissables... ... when I had a sudden urge to play the board game Sorry. Is the similarity in shape between the candy and the game pieces coincidence, or something far more sinister?

You know those emails that keep coming around that are supposedly written by some guy in Africa needing “help” to get a huge amount of money from some dead person’s bank account, in return for which you get a portion of that money? Well, you’ve got to give them credit for creativity. And apparently it has worked well enough for them to keep doing it. Anyway, this morning I got a new one. It’s probably from the same people, but it’s way different. You can’t even tell what the scam is from the email itself. But it’s pretty interesting. I’ll paste it below. STRICTLY PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL Description: We wish to confirm you with full corporate responsibility that we are end seller ready, willing and able to transact and sell the commodities, with the following specifications, terms and conditions. Sales and purchases will be based on the following procedures . The Product is Used Train Rail Scraps with the Specification of R50 & R 65 as conformed to the ISRI Codes. Manufacture...

You know those stupid sentimental forwards that always get sent around by middle-aged women? Well, with Amy 's help, I discovered that I have the ability to write those. So here's one I whipped up pretty quickly. Bobby lay in the hospital bed, hugging his teddy bear tightly. He tried to be a big boy and not cry, but occasionally a tear leaked out. The doctor came into the room. “Bobby, I have good news for you! We found a donor!” “So I’m going to be okay?” “Yes, Bobby. We’ll perform the surgery first thing in the morning. You just try to get some sleep and keep up your strength.” As the doctor left, Bobby’s dad returned from the bathroom. “Daddy, did you hear the doctor? I’m going to be okay!” “I heard him, son. Let’s say a prayer to thank God for his help, and then you need to go to sleep.” Bobby said a prayer. “God, thank you for helping the doctors find me a new liver. Please help me to be okay, and bless daddy and mommy too. Amen.” When Bobby looked up from...

"She's basically a uterus with a head," referring to someone who always seems to be pregnant. Yeah, yeah, it's insensitive, rude, and childish. That's why I'm glad I didn't say it. But it made me (and my wife) laugh out loud for quite a while.

On my way back from lunch I say a middle-aged guy in a convertible, talking on a cell phone, with a really long box sticking up and out of the car. He was also wearing a beret, which somehow made the whole thing really funny to me.

I’ve heard that one effective torture method involves jamming bamboo shoots under people’s fingernails. It’s probably true; I don’t have the stomach to research it. But I can say that now I know it would be effective. I was helping some neighbors move on Saturday morning. I reached down to pick something up from the bottom of the moving truck when an enormous splinter jammed under my fingernail. When I went home, the only way I could get it out was to stick a needle under the nail to the side of the splinter to work it out. It was… an interesting sensation.