The Lions Lied!

Today a coworker and I decided to go get some Chinese food. We were going to go to Panda Express, but we spied a buffet with lions out front. Thinking the lions were sure indicators of quality, we decided to go for it and dine at Buffet City.

At first glance, they really had a good variety of food. And there were certainly a lot of people there. (As a side note, it was cute from a purely linguistic perspective to hear the Chinese servers saying “gracias” to the Hispanic patrons.) So we loaded up some plates.

I started with some General Tso’s chicken, usually a good choice. Wow. Terrible. Not just not good; this ventured into the realm of “practical joke” bad. I wanted to look around for a camera. Thinking that bite was a fluke, I tried another and immediately wished I hadn’t.

Well, surely the fried rice would be better. Nope. It tasted like cardboard. And not the fancy stuff, either. This was like the cardboard you might find on the ground in an alley after it has been soaking in garbage water for a while.

After trying a few more entrees (ironically, the stuff that looked like a rat on a stick was one of the more palatable options), I gave up and decided to go for some fruit. They had a nice spread, so I grabbed some cantaloupe, pineapple and, as a back-up, I got some jell-o. And it was a good thing I did, because only the jell-o was edible. I will forever wonder how they actually made pineapple taste bad.

All in all it was an awesomely horrible meal, enjoyable only for the unusual level of entertainment it provided. I couldn’t help but wonder how they stay in business, since nobody could handle that level of gastronomic punishment twice. In the end I decided they must be receiving government funding to develop ways to destroy food, which would prove a powerful weapon to demoralize enemy troops in wartime. Assuming that’s not against the Geneva Convention, I don’t feel too bad about the experience, knowing that in my own small way I helped serve my country.

4 comments:

Nathan Mulford said...

Did you get a close look at those Lions, I'll bet on closer inspection they were made out of hay.

Jen said...

was it really called "Buffet City"???

ahh, fun times. Too bad about the cardboard rice. You really can never scrimp on the cardboard quality.

RobisonWells said...

Speaking as the coworker who attended Buffet City with Joel, I can attest to its badness. I don't know how it's possible to screw up rice so badly.

Interesting sidenote: they priced the buffet by the pound, with a handwritten note taped to the front door. So, we should have known it was lousy before we sat down.

Joel said...

The real question is whether the poundage was gross or net, depending on the time you might spend in the bathroom...