Prevarication or Profundity?

Most people with any sort of morals have felt conflicted regarding lying in certain situations. The most obvious is when someone asks about their appearance. So today I present a guide to lying honestly.

Now, this won't work with everyone. You must have some knowledge of the intelligence of the person you are dealing with, particularly in terms of vocabulary. The secret is to use words that they are unlikely to know, in order to achieve the desired result.

Example 1
You have a bad cold and feel you need to call in sick. But it seems unjustified to call in if it's just a cold. You know, however, that you will not only be fairly unproductive, but you will also probably get others sick if you're at work. The solution is to call in and tell them that you have contracted a severe rhinovirus and that it should run its course in a couple of days, but you don't want to expose anobody else to it because it's highly contagious.

Example 2
This example is especially for men faced with the dreaded question: How does this outfit make me look? You must have the answer prepared in advance, as any hesitation will mean certain death. If you are squeamish about saying she looks thin and gourgeous in those paisley capris, when in fact she looks as though a furniture builder had used her rump as the workbench on which to construct a sofa of record-breaking size in an attempt to be immortalized in the Guiness Book of World Records, you might consider telling her that she is the picture of porcine loveliness, or the queen of corpulence. Just make sure she is unfamiliar with those words and is not the type to try to remember them so she can look them up later. Failure to do so may result in a fate worse than death, for which I can not be held responsible.

So remember: not only can an extensive vocabulary make you seem like a snob (fewer people ask you to help them move if they think you are a snob), it can also provide a solution to morally ambiguous situations. Now get rid of those Sweet Valley High books on your nightstand and read the dictionary before going to bed.

2 comments:

trb48 said...

I heard something interesting dealing with the second comment. Someone somewhere said that their Stake President said this (the following story is so creditable you have to believe me).

The Stake President said that we have to stop telling lies, even little ones. One sister said that she wanted her significant other to tell her that she looked good even if she looked horrible. The Stake President said "If he will lie about that, what else will he lie about?"

Jeremiah said...

I told my Stake President I'd follow his council... you can't trust a damn thing I say, can you?