A Vision of the Future

Most of us who are young realize that there won’t be any social security by the time we retire. Knowing this, I enrolled in my company’s 401(k) program as soon as I was eligible, and I try to contribute as much as I can.

This morning I got an email telling me my quarterly statement is online, so I went and looked at how I’m doing. As it turns out, most of the funds I have invested in have lost money recently. So basically, we’re all doomed. By the time we’re old enough to retire, we won’t be able to because our retirement plans will all have lost so much that we’ll end up owing money to someone.

I plan to end my days as a cashier at Wal-Mart (which, incidentally, will be the only surviving retail chain by 2050), wearing pants hiked up to my armpits and grumbling about all the customers who pay more for the name brand. One day I’ll keel over while scanning some rutabagas, and they’ll just toss me in the composter and hire another old codger, because they will be a dime a dozen.

Happy Friday!


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