Put Your Matrimony Where Your Mouth Is

There is no better medium for studying society than television, mostly because you can do that studying in your pajamas. So, through a careful and objective scientific study of the media, I have compiled a list of things you should never say to your spouse. Most of these fall in the husband-saying-to-wife category, because if there’s one thing we have learned from television in the last 15 years, it’s that men are of unequivocally inferior intelligence.

You might want to skip dessert tonight, honey.

Wow, she’s way hotter than you!

Rub your feet? Gross! Have you ever smelled them?

I gotta tell you, prison grub was better than your cooking.

What’s your name again?

Great news! My mom is coming to stay with us!

Now that you mention it, it does look like a new wrinkle. And look, it’s got a friend!

There is no way you’re going to squeeze into that.

I’m having lunch tomorrow with my ex, ok?

Are there any I’m forgetting (besides the obligatory “Yes, it does make your butt look big”)?

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